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Starting off.

 You know the problem with sites like these is that you never know what to start off with. There's  a lot of things I'd like to say, but all of those belong in the bio, don't they? So I've had this account for almost a week and I'm only now getting around to putting something up. And even this is just pointless rambling. Somehow I don't feel too good about myself. 

could have put up some fanfiction, but I don't have any completed one-shots and I don't much feel like putting up any multi-chapter fics at the moment. Go figure.

Couldn't start off by talking about my life. There's nothing to say. Maybe I should talk about that. Maybe I should say a few words on how detached I feel from society.

My entire life is in my writing, in the books I read, in my immediate family. I have friends, but competing with their busy social schedules is downright disheartening. Or maybe that's just an excuse to stay in and avoid the presence of people. 
I won't say that being around people makes me feel anxious, because that's just not true. Not usually that is. Sometimes, in the mornings, on the way to school when I'm waiting for the metro, when someone stands too close to me, I start feeling physically ill.

Nothing so serious that I'd have to run to the closest bin and up chuck my breakfast - if I had any. The feeling is more akin to that of wearing a sports bra that goes too far down under the breast and keeps your rib cage from expanding when you breathe. Damn troublesome, and more than a mite uncomfortable, but not enough for my mind to dwell on for long. By the time the two minutes have passed and I'm stepping into the metro I will have more or less forgotten about it.

I do that a lot. Forget, that is. Because it's easier to let things pass into obscurity. Anger, fear, and hate are feelings that require energy. Energy, that I'd rather use somewhere else. 

What I don't understand about most people is the way they cling to everything that goes wrong. If something goes wrong in my life I try to fix it to the best of my ability and then move on. Of course past hurts still affect me. I'm only a little human girl. But I try not to dwell on things when around others, so as not to affect the way I carry out day to day activities, and simply for the benefit of those around me. If I have to act like I'm happier than I feel, even I don't notice it. 

On several occasions, the mention of my almost clinical detachment has caused people to believe that I am depressed. Apparently my indifference combined with other personality traits account to a deep and disturbing depression. 

Makes my teachers believe that I'm going to become a hermit or slash my wrists. Maybe even both. And what a tragedy that would be. Yes, Billie the girl who has been depressed from the moment she discovered sarcasm and dark humour. Sigh... 
That all accounts to a funny - and frustrating - story that I'll be sure to tell in the near future.

Now if you were to spend a day or two in my continued presence you would notice three things. One, I tend to laugh a lot, even at things that don't make sense to even myself. Two, I can be really annoying at times, mostly if I feel like being. A combination of the results from me being hyperactive to the point of being borderline ADD. Which several people are convinced I am. And three, despite my dark and twisted sense of humour, I am a surprisingly optimistic person. Though I do tend to lean to the side of realism, I rarely say that something is absolutely and without a doubt doomed to fail.

I'd like to end this on the subject of why I'm revealing the way my brain works to people I might never meet as well as people who have known me all my life, not to mention everyone in between. It's simple really.

However much I tell you here, I do not believe that you will come significantly closer to understanding the way I function as a whole. I am an intensely private person in certain aspects, and the way I was raised only serves to complicate me to everyone other than my siblings. The only reason I consider them to understand me is because they were raised in the same environment by the same people. They comprehend things that others cannot possibly ever understand for those reasons only. And even so there are parts of me that they do not know, because there is so much that has affected me outside of our home, so many people who have built me and broken me over the years.

I am my own person, and no matter how much I tell others about myself that will not change. No matter how much you think you know about me I won't let it affect me. I don't care if you judge me for being me. I have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of.

Though let it be known that I am a competitive person, and I do enjoy a  good debate (especially if I win ;D). And if you throw down the gauntlet, I will pick it up. Just for the hell of it.
 

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